As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
