my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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