there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
