The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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