The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
