My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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