My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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