drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
