Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
