I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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