DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
