I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
