he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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