She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
