Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
