It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
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Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
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My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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