watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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