is your mom at the bar?
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
