Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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