Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Where is the hickey?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
