if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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