Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
