remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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