When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
