Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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