remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
