dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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