God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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