Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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