I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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