Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
