the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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