alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
