I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My life is pants optional.
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