You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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