last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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