I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
