he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
