after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
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the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
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You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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