You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
