I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.