Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
