She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
