That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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