I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..