If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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