she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
