hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
