The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
