I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
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Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
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Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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