I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
