She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
the day after is always just damage control
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
