i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
